First Date Faux Pas

First Date Faux Pas

Let’s face it, first dates and courtships are somewhat strange events to which we all become victim. They can be anywhere from creepy and awkward to romantic and enchanting. What I’d like to do is share some behind the scenes insight with you as well as a few pointers for those of you seeking direction.

The following statement is to be taken very seriously: if I like you and I want to spend time with you, you will know. You will know because I will ask you out.  I will bring you presents when you least expect it, and I will always be eager to see your glowing face. Anything short of that means that I am just not that into you. Now, what if I am sort-of into you and just playing it by ear? Recognize this situation by my semi-lack of response to you. If I am sort-of into you, I will talk to you, but most likely I will be just ambiguous enough to confuse you into wanting me more. Crazy, right? Yes, it’s absolutely absurd, but trust me, it happens often.

Too much texting makes you look desperate and drives him crazy
Too much texting makes you look desperate and drives him crazy

We want what we can’t have; that’s part of human nature. But ladies, if you want to turn this situation around in your favor, you need to stop talking to the guy. Give him some space and the chance to realize what he might be missing out on. Do not text him constantly and get upset when he doesn’t respond. Never in the history of dating has this worked out.  It immediately gives the man the upper hand and makes you seem desperate and clingy. I can’t say enough about new-age clinginess.  All women know that men are turned off by clinginess, yet you continue to act that way.  It isn’t your fault though, ladies. Technology has changed the game and no one has bothered to redefine the rules. Before texting existed, women typically waited for their potential suitor to call them on the phone. Signs of clinginess were seen in the form of public displays of affection or ambush pregnancies. In today’s world, though, we have the unique ability to maintain a 24/7 relationship via text before a real relationship has even formed. Bottom line is this: be careful with texting because the last thing you want is to let a guy take you for granted. I’m preaching to the choir, right?

I hate to say it, but the truth is that whoever cares less has the control. It makes courtship sound like a prison game, but think of it more like a dance. The good news is that healthy relationships are built on level ground. This means that when love is in the air, you won’t need to worry about who has the upper hand. Love is what we all want in the end—despite what a man’s bravado may lead you to believe—but don’t force it. Don’t sweep yourself off your feet. 

Let’s talk about what turns a guy on at the beginning of a potential relationship. Here’s an easy one, sex. Talking about sex will turn a guy on, but talking about sex right away is like giving a kid dessert before he eats dinner. Of course he’s going to want his dessert first, but of course that would spoil the meal. If he gets dessert too soon, your boyfriend-to-be will base his interactions with you on the idea that he will soon sleep with you. Most women know this. Now, there’s more than one way to communicate sex. The most common is nonverbal. Women know guys like sex, so they occasionally put themselves on display—this is also known as showing skin. In the paraphrased words of Chris Rock, “You might not be a slut, but you’re wearing a slut’s uniform, and it’s very confusing.” Don’t confuse us. 

Putting too much skin on display says friends with benefits, not a serious relationship
Putting too much skin on display says friends with benefits, not a serious relationship

Women, you have worked too hard to earn proper respect in society for you to blow it all away with your sexy, sensual, voluptuous, hubba hubba…. see, I already forgot what I was talking about. You get the idea. I have had multiple women tell me that they don’t understand why guys seem to only want sex from them. And every time, in the nicest way possible, I tell them they show too much skin. It’s very simple. The truth is that I have not invited certain women to family events on multiple occasions because I was unsure of how they would dress around my family. My family is somewhat conservative; I’d be embarrassed to introduce a scandaliciously dressed date to my mother. Look, I understand that sometimes you need to let your freak flag fly, and who am I to stop you? Just be mindful of the situation and remember that the rule of thumb is: cleavage in moderation.

So what can you use to make a good first impression? I cannot speak for all men, but damnit I’ll try. Be confident. Men respond to confidence. Hold yourself as if you are the least desperate woman on earth. Be the queen you want to be treated like, and the right guy will rise to the occasion. I realize this is easier said than done, so let me try to be more specific in my pointers. On a first date, dress somewhere in between a nun and Snooki. As Edith Head says, “Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a woman and loose enough to show you're a lady.” Be flirtatious in response to the charm of the man, but don’t be flirty for the sake of being flirty because it will make you seem less intelligent than you really are. Also, keep in mind that these pointers are situation dependent. For example, I personally enjoy being a gentleman but perhaps not all men were raised by wonderful mothers who taught them how to treat a lady. It makes me feel manly to open doors for a woman and pull out her chair and order her food. So, my advice is to be confident and independent while allowing room for the man to be a man. 

To all you beautiful, powerful and unique women, do not let hope blind you. Look for early signs and let them guide you to rational decisions. Please don’t pretend that, because you are grown and independent, you can’t be hurt.  There’s no shame in waiting for prince charming, but there is grief and heartache in settling for the wrong guy.